Infidelity

The cruelest lies are often told in silence.” — Robert Louis Stevenson

There is no bigger paradigm shift that a relationship experiences than in the aftermath of disclosing or discovering an affair. The betrayal cuts deep and shreds not only the trust between the couple, but often the ability to trust one’s own judgment and the agreements that we believed defined our lives. Less than a third of all couples who encounter the experience, which is more than half of all of us, actually heal the experience. Many couples never get beyond the initial crisis that the affair creates, choosing to leave the relationship with their wounds intact and the rest of the relationship in tatters.

Often this knee jerk response is a result of fear and ignorance. The pain and instability it creates feels all-consuming and we don’t know how to navigate the process. Considering, how prevalent  the experience of affairs is, there has been little education about the process of recovery that can renew a relationship and even spark a whole new level of physical intimacy. Culturally we are trained to vilify the betrayal and rarely consider that the affair may not represent pathology in the relationship but rather be an essential wakeup call that offers an important opportunity to redefine and renegotiate what your monogamous relationship and commitments mean to each of you.

Dr. Tammy Nelson author of Getting the Sex You Want, is leading the way on the research on affair recovery for her new book: The New Monogamy.  She states that  “Often affairs are like viruses, in that they are opportunistic and they feed on a part of oneself that is kept underground, unknown even to oneself. “

Affairs are one of the most important wake-up calls, too. But we don’t have to always jump to our initial response of trashing the relationship from the moment of discovery. The recovery process is rich with the opportunity to really see aspects of your partner and depths in your relationship of which you were probably unaware. Processing the crisis requires establishing emotional safety and an agreement to not make any immediate decisions. It is a time that demands the courage to address the painful effects of the affair to the relationship while allowing the room for the volatile emotions that need venting. Because an affair is an erotic injury to the relationship, it has to be dealt with in the erotic lives of the partners. Reclaiming your sex life is critical to recovering from an affair.

Taking the steps to reconnect intimately can feel like pouring salt on an open cut. This is especially true if your attempts to understand the affair are demanding a full disclosure of events. The more time spent on the detective work of who, what, where and how the affair happened, the more painful will be the attempts to re-connect. Opening up and dealing with the insecurity and uncertainty of this fragile time can become quickly impossible if the meaning of what happened gets overrun with its details. Learning to ask for what you really need to know in your heart and not your mind is a big step towards discovering a path towards a newly defined relationship whether it be reconciliation or separation.

Successfully working through these painful passages depends on developing a whole new level of empathy. Empathy exists between people in the field out beyond right and wrong. It takes and holds both partners’ experiences equally and creates a kinship of shared humanity. Asking questions that allow both partners to focus on why the affair happened and what it meant to each of them is an entirely different kind of discussion. Having the courage and curiosity to want to know what your partner learned about his or her self with someone else and what it felt like for them to feel like they were betraying you even as they had their own needs met is where a new intimacy can be born.

Beyond the guilt, shame and anger that classically defines the experience of infidelity lies an untapped depth of knowing another person’s erotic needs and desires and being able to learn to reveal your own. It is rich with sexual energy that can actually reinvent the monogamous contract you are grieving. Seeking forgiveness or even granting it mentally or verbally will not end the affair; there will always be someone else in the bedroom until both partners re-engage intimately with a new shared understanding and agreement about the sharing of their erotic selves.

Dr. Anne Aja

Anger Management

• Yell, scream, cry, and hit a pillow.
• Give yourself permission to be angry and stop fighting yourself.
• Keep a journal. Write down each time you feel angry. What triggered the thought? How long did you feel angry for? What did you do about it and why? After a weeks worth of keeping the journal, can you find a pattern? Some patterns are healthy, others are self-destructive?
• Channel your negative energy. Each time you experience a wave of anger, let yourself express it through something positive. For some it might be going to the gym and running the energy out. After 6 months of this, you might find yourself in really good shape. Others might do better with painting. Painting can release energy. Others might sing, write music etc.
• Treat yourself kindly. Nurture your body. Eat healthy foods. Take yourself out for a massage. Take a warm bath. It is never improper to care for oneself. Treat yourself gently, the way you would a small child.
• Focus on ways that will build your body up, avoid the quick fix. Alcohol, and other mind-altering drugs in the moment, might give your brain the chance to relax, but after the initial high, the crash will bring you to a lower place.
• During the initial stages of anger, it is common to feel overwhelmed by the mundane tasks of life. Thus, instead of fighting your anger, frustration, irritation, embrace your need to let things slide. Accept help when offered. Give yourself permission to not function well, and delegate responsibilities whenever possible. Every person needs help every once and a while, and you may even do another person a favor by allowing him or her to assist someone in need. If no one offers help, seek it out. It is OK to take the space you need so that you can regroup.
• Try to forgive yourself if your anger seems turned inward. Many people experience feelings of guilt as they review in their minds how they could have said or done things differently. Try to accept that the past is gone forever, and focus on what you can change for the present. Forgiveness may not be a concept for which you feel ready. You may never feel completely ready to forgive fully, but explore the possibilities of forgiveness, in general.
• Stop trying to model yourself after your friends and family. No two people deal with their anger in the same way. Not everyone will ‘manage their anger well’. There is no right or wrong way to feel angry. However, if you find yourself starting to act out towards your kids, or are hitting anyone, stop. Take a deep breathe. Pick up the telephone and ask for help before you hurt someone you love. Help is available.
• Remember that emotions can sometimes feed upon themselves. Don’t push feelings down, but don’t let them carry you away either. If you feel excessive rage or constantly irritable, contact an objective support person immediately.
• If you feel uncomfortable talking to friends, or you feel like you need more support than your friends can offer, talk to a therapist.

Dr. Anne Aja

Allowing the True Self to Emerge

Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships. Unhealthy boundaries create dysfunctional ones. By establishing clear boundaries, we define ourselves in relation to others. To do this, however, we must be able to identify and respect our needs, feelings, opinions, and rights. Otherwise our efforts would be like putting a fence around a yard without knowing the property lines.

If you were raised in dysfunctional family you probably had little experience with healthy boundaries. Therefore, learning how to establish them is an important goal for personal growth. In order to achieve this, however, one must overcome low self-esteem and passivity; learn to identify and respect one’s rights and needs; and become skilled at assertively taking care of yourself in relationships. This process allows the true self to emerge, and healthy boundaries become the fences that keep you safe – something you may never have experienced in childhood.

Boundaries can be physical or emotional. Physical boundaries define who can touch you, how someone can touch you, and how physically close another may approach you. Emotional boundaries define where our feelings end and another’s begins. For example, do you take responsibility for your feelings and needs, and allow others to do the same? Or do you feel overly responsible for the feelings and needs of others and neglect your own? Are you able to say “no”? Can you ask for what we need? Are you a compulsive people pleaser? Do you become upset simply because others are upset around us? Do you mimic the opinions of whomever you are  around? The answers to these questions help define the “property lines” of your emotional boundaries.

Together, your physical and emotional boundaries define how you interact with others, and how you allow others to interact with you. Without boundaries, others could touch you in any way they wanted, do whatever they wished with your possessions, and treat you in any way they desired. In addition, you would believe everyone else’s bad behaviors are your fault, take on everyone’s else’s problems as your own, and feel like you have no right to any rights. In short, your life would be chaotic and out of our control.

Boundaries can be too rigid or too loose. Those whose boundaries are too rigid literally shut out everyone from their lives. They appear aloof and distant, and do not talk about feelings or show emotions. They exhibit extreme self-sufficiency, and do not ask for help. They do not allow anyone to get physically or emotionally close to them. It is as if they live in a house surrounded by an immense wall with no gates. No one is allowed in.

Those whose boundaries are too loose put their hands on strangers and let others touch them inappropriately. They may be sexually promiscuous, confuse sex and love, be driven to be in a sexual relationship, and get too close to others too fast. They may take on the feelings of others as their own, easily become emotionally overwhelmed, give too much, take too much, and be in constant need of reassurance. They may expect others to read their minds, think they can read the minds of others, say “yes” when they want to say “no,” and feel responsible for the feelings of others. Those with loose boundaries often lead chaotic lives, full of drama, as if they lived in houses with no fences, gates, locks, or even doors.

Those with healthy boundaries are firm but flexible. They give support and accept it. They respect their feelings, needs, opinions, and rights, and those of others, but are clear about their separateness. They are responsible for their own happiness and allow others to be responsible for their happiness. They are assertive and respectful of the rights of others to be assertive. They are able to negotiate and compromise, have empathy for others, are able to make mistakes without damaging their self-esteem, and have an internal sense of personal identity. They respect diversity. Those with healthy boundaries are comfortable with themselves, and make others comfortable around them.  They live in houses with fences and gates that allow access only to those who respect their boundaries.

Learning to set healthy boundaries can feel uncomfortable, even scary, because it may go against the grain of the survival skills we learned in childhood – particularly if our caretakers were physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive. For example, you may have learned to repress your anger or other painful emotions because we would have been attacked and blamed for expressing the very pain the abuse had caused. Thus, attempting to set healthy boundaries as an adult may initially be accompanied by anxiety, but you must learn to work through these conditioned fears, or you will never have healthy relationships. But this process of growth takes time, and your motto should always be, “Progress not perfection.“

Here are some tips for setting healthy boundaries

• When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are setting. Do not argue! Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.
• You can’t set a boundary and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating the boundary in a respectful manner. If others get upset with you, that is their problem. If they no longer want your friendship, then you are probably better off without them. You do not need “friends” who disrespect your boundaries.
• At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway, and tell yourself you have a right to take care of yourself. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.
• When you feel anger or resentment, or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, then determine what you need to do or say. Then communicate your boundary assertively. When you are confident you can set healthy boundaries with others, you will have less need to put up walls.
• When you set boundaries, you might be tested, especially by those accustomed to controlling you, abusing you, or manipulating you. Plan on it, expect it, but be firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting. You can not establish a clear boundary successfully if you send a mixed message by apologizing for doing so. Be firm, clear, and respectful.
• Most people are willing to respect your boundaries, but some are not. Be prepared to be firm about your boundaries when they are not being respected. If necessary, put up a wall by ending the relationship. In extreme cases, you might have to involve the police or judicial system by sending a no-contact letter or obtaining a restraining order.
• Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. You will set boundaries when you are ready. It’s your growth in your own time frame, not what someone else tells you. Let your counselor or support group help you with pace and process.
• Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life – those who want to manipulate you, abuse you, and control you.
• Setting healthy boundaries allows your true self to emerge – and what an exciting journey that is.

Dr. Anne Aja

Tonight’s the Night: Schedule a Sex Date for Sex

Scheduling a date for sex seems like it would kill all the spontaneity that you imagine goes along with an erotic life, right?  But think about it.  When you were dating, didn’t you know when those hot dates would end in something other than a hot cup of Joe at the end of the night?  You anticipated your sexy dates and you got ready.  You prepared for them, sometimes physically by wearing special clothes, or shaving or perfuming your skin.   Emotionally you got excited and looked forward to connecting with your new partner.  And sexually your body and brain actually began releasing hormones and brain chemicals that prepared the way for a hot and sexy evening.   Thinking about sex got you in the mood for sex.  Knowing it was coming made for some hot fantasies and what I call anticipatory eroticism.

Now that you are married or living together and you know your partner is available to you anytime, you might have put aside those sexy clothes, the shaving your legs every day and the sexy thoughts.  That’s why combining sex with domesticity can feel a little boring.  Anticipating sex is part of rejuvenating the excitement of sexuality.  When you schedule a special night that is dedicated to your erotic life together, it gives you a chance to remember what is important about your erotic life together, and honors that it is important to both of you.

In our busy lives most of us make time for what is crucial – work, sleep, food.  But sex is crucial to the survival of intimate relationships.  Making time for it means you can be as spontaneous as you want – if you plan it.

Schedule a sex date once a week at the same time or day every week.  Turn your bedroom into a sacred space, decorate it with flowers or candles, and turn on soft music and soft lighting.  Change your sheets and scent the room.

When the big night comes, keep your expectations open and reasonable.  Remember that this night can be anything that works for you and makes you feel connected to your partner. Massage, holding each other, and sharing fantasies can make this an important night of sensual pleasures.

Make the sex date with your partner a regular commitment in your relationship and watch how your relationship grows from distant to intimate in only a few weeks

Dr. Anne Aja

Box Breathing: A Simple Technique for Stress Relief

Overview

Four-square breathing, sometimes referred to as the box breathing technique, is a simple technique that you can do at any time that you feel stressed. Controlled breathing is an integral part of meditation and can be utilized independently to calm nerves and relieve stress by helping to regulate the autonomic nervous system.  Square breathing emphasizes control through counts of four, which allows your body to make full use of the air. You also will work the chest and abdominal muscles slightly as you practice the box breathing technique.

Step 1

Sit straight up in a comfortable chair. Put your feet flat on the floor and relax your hands in your lap. You may overlap your hands or let them lie separately with palms facing up. The important factor is to maintain an aligned posture and to be at ease.

Step 2

Close your eyes or dim the lights in the room. Find a quiet space where the telephone or other people won’t interrupt you for at least four minutes.

Step 3

Close your mouth and breath in slowly through your nose. Count to four as you inhale. Hold your breath for four seconds. You are not trying to deprive your body of oxygen, but need to allow a few seconds for the air to fill your lungs. Concentrate on your belly and notice how it also moves when you inhale deeply.

Step 4

Open your mouth slightly and slowly exhale to a count of four. Hold the exhale to another count of four. Ideally, you should repeat the exercise for four minutes, but two or three times will help you to achieve a more relaxed state, relieve tension and settle your nerves.

Step 5

Allow the air to fill your belly and notice how it passes over your chest. One of the goals of boxed square breathing is to bring the respiratory system back into alignment and end the shallow breathing that results from the fight or flight response mode the body enters when feeling stressed.

Dr. Anne Aja

When is A Little Holiday Cheer not so Cheerful?

We’ve all heard the justifications.  Maybe we’ve even said them ourselves. “It’s the holidays.  Everybody drinks a little.  Have a little Christmas cheer.”  After all, doesn’t everybody want to get into the holiday spirit?  So what’s the problem with a few drinks anyway? 

For most people, nothing.  Most people will celebrate this holiday season safely visiting with family and friends, imbibing in their favorite eggnog or other alcoholic concoction with no untoward effects.  Most, but not all. 

Some individuals will drink during this holiday season, but not without consequences because their drinking is different and they don’t just have “ a few.”  Their drinking will be excessive and will cause problems.  As a result, the “holiday gifts” they will give their family members include such hot items as worry, frustration, disappointment, embarrassment and more.  Many a family holiday celebration has been ruined by alcohol- fueled behavior leaving family members to wonder, “why can’t they just stop?”. 

Some facts about Alcoholism  

• One out of every ten people is alcoholic.
• Ten million Americans are alcoholic and another ten million are problem drinkers on their way to becoming alcoholics.
• Most people have at least one family member who is alcohol or drug dependent.
• One out of four Americans directly feels the impact of alcoholism.

 

In spite of its prevalence in today’s society and the enormous associated financial and emotional costs, alcoholism remains an under-identified and under-treated disease.  Even designation as a disease by the American Medical Association in the 1950’s hasn’t stopped many people from believing that problem drinking results from lack of self-control, or from an underlying depressive or anxiety disorder.  This type of thinking leads to the mistaken assumption that if will-power or medication is used, the problem drinking will stop.   

Denial  

“I just drank a little too much, it’s no big deal,” is what many a family member and friend will be told by someone who has consumed too much alcohol.  In other words, “leave me alone and let me drink.”  So why can’t they see what they are doing to themselves and their families?  Alcohol is actually a drug that sedates the brain and as a result, people who are intoxicated are not able to see themselves as they are seen by others.  In addition, some alcoholics experience “black-outs”, or periods of amnesia during intoxication resulting in no memory of the problem behaviors.  At best their memory is fuzzy after a night of drinking and most aren’t in the mood to respond to their loved-ones’ concerns about their behavior.  Besides, most alcoholics believe they can “stop anytime they want to.” 

Having a Good Time or Alcoholism? 

Like diabetes or heart disease, alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease that can be fatal.  Alcoholic drinking is characterized by compulsive and excessive drinking and has physical, emotional and behavioral symptoms that get worse if left untreated.  Ironically, alcoholism is a disease that can go into complete remission if proper treatment is followed.  Sadly, this usually isn’t the case as the denial of both drinker and family members collude to just “hope that the problem will go away.”  But if it really is alcoholism, it won’t. 

In the early stages of the disease, episodic problems resulting from drinking are ignored or explained away.  Often alcoholics make promises to themselves and their family members that they will not behave the same way again.  And then they do.  During the middle stages, alcoholic drinkers  start to experience problems in more areas, like family, finances and work.  Coping skills deteriorate and conditions like depression and anxiety disorders worsen.  By late stages, serious health problems are evident and most alcoholics are about to lose or have already lost their families and jobs.  At this point withdrawal from alcohol can cause seizures and needs to be medically supervised. 

Making the Diagnosis

So, how do you know if you are a loved one is an alcoholic?   Answering yes to any of the following questions may be an indication of alcoholism and the need to get help.

Has the amount of alcohol you drink increased over time?

Do you drink more than you intend to or for longer than you planned?

Do you have hangovers?

Do you drink to resolve emotional problems?

Has your drinking caused problems, and if so, have you continued to drink? 

Have you tried to cut down on the amount of alcohol you drink, or tried to stop without success? 

Treatment 

The primary treatment for alcoholism is abstinence from alcohol.  Most people need assistance to stop drinking and it can come in many forms.  Twelve-step recovery programs like AA and NA are available world-wide to help people stop drinking and using drugs.  Al-Anon is the sister organization to AA and was formed to help the family members of alcoholics.   Intensive Outpatient Programs (IOP’s) are widely available and provide counseling, education and support for people who need more structure to help get started in recovery.  In-patient treatment centers, where an individual stays for weeks or more, are less prevalent, but still around. 

If you are concerned that you may have a drinking problem, consult your doctor or mental health professional for referral information.  If you are a family member worried about a loved one, seek professional help to learn more about your options.  Waiting for alcoholics to decide on their own to get help is often a long and futile wait, and there are ways that you can help increase their motivation to do something about their drinking and learn to take care of yourself. 
 

Beverly L. Supler, PhD, LPC

How to choose a therapist

How to choose a therapist: You have made an important choice, a potentially life-changing choice: to begin therapy (sex therapy, marriage counseling, couples counseling, individual therapy, or family therapy). But how do you find a good therapist?

Do Your Homework: You can learn a great deal about a therapist’s training,  experience, services, specializations, personality style and biases before meeting him/her by doing a little homework.   By reading a therapist’s website, brochure, or blog you can get a sense of whether or not you’d like to work with him/her.  If you would like a personal recommendation, ask someone you trust such as your physician, family member or friend for a recommendation.  Doing your homework can save you time and money by helping you determine your compatibility with a therapist before attending and paying for a first appointment.

Personality Match: The personality match between you and your therapist is critical. Research has shown that the quality of the relationship between the client(s) and therapist greatly influences the success of treatment.  A good personality match (or good chemistry, a trusting relationship, “a good fit”, compatibility or “clicking”) can help clients feel comfortable enough and safe enough to let go of their fears and risk trying new behaviors. If you’re in crisis and need to begin treatment immediately, do not worry if you do not have the time to do your research.  Most therapists will be good enough.

If you’re currently in therapy and the relationship doesn’t feel right to you, or if you’re hiding important information from your therapist, bring it up in your sessions and try to work through it.  That in itself, can be very therapeutic.  If that really isn’t possible, do not be afraid to schedule an appointment with another therapist.

Defining a Good Fit: You will work best with someone around whom you feel comfortable, safe and respected. You will work hardest when you like your therapist, respect him/her, and believe in his/her ability to help you. In the end, finding a good fit with a therapist is much like dating. You need to trust your intuition…if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. While there is no litmus test for good chemistry between a therapist and a client, here are questions you can ask yourself to help determine if the fit is right for you.

Do you feel comfortable with this therapist? Do you find yourself getting defensive, or sharing openly? You’re looking for someone you feel safe enough with to disclose your problems, thoughts, and feelings with total honesty — and without feeling judged. If you’re not comfortable enough to be truthful with your therapist, your therapist cannot help you.

How do you react to the therapists style? Do you find yourself getting defensive? Sharing openly? Thinking of new ideas?  How does the therapist treat you?You’re looking for someone who treats you with respect and talks to you as an equal. If your therapist often interrupts you, dismisses your ideas, or talks down to you, you may want to find someone else. Do you feel judged by your therapist?Are you able to simply be yourself. Are you fully yourself around the therapist? You’re looking for someone you feel safe enough with to disclose your problems, thoughts, and feelings with total honesty. If you’re not truthful with your therapist, your therapist cannot help you.

Does the therapist seem professional? You’re looking for someone responsible and appropriate.  If your therapist forgets your appointments, dresses inappropriately, or crosses professional boundaries and interacts with you inappropriately, you will want to find someone else.

Do you like the therapist’s style? You’re looking for someone you mesh with. Is your therapist directive or solely a sounding board, and which style do you prefer? Does your therapist interact with you or remain silent, and which style do you prefer? Do you think your therapist talks too much or is there room for you to talk about what you need to?

Are you getting immediate feedback? A good therapist will start giving you useful feedback during the very first session. Do not expect miracles from one session, however, as it often it takes several sessions for a therapist to get to know you and to fully understand your problem.

Is the therapy helping you? You’re looking to gain insight about yourself and your behaviors, learn new skills, and experiment with new and more productive behaviors. If you like your therapist but don’t think the treatment is helping — despite your commitment and hard work — you may want to find someone else.

Experience: When choosing a therapist, ask if he/she has experience handling your particular problem. For example, if your current problem is a marital problem, you should choose a therapist who is experienced with couples work. Similarly, if your current problem is a sexual problem, choose a therapist experienced in sex therapy.

Cost of Treatment: Therapist’s fees can vary greatly, and you should choose a therapist whose fee fits your budget. Therapy is a luxury — it is not a necessary condition of survival (in most cases). But if you want more than to survive, but to thrive, paying for the luxury of good treatment is worth every penny when you emerge happier and more fulfilled. Therapy is certainly an investment of money, but the reward of living your best life is priceless. If you’re not sure if you can afford to be in therapy, ask yourself if you can afford not to be.

Office Location: The location of your therapist’s office is a consideration. Do you want the convenience of seeing a therapist close to home or work? Or would you prefer to see someone across town to minimize the chance of bumping into him/her on the street? Might it be best to see a therapist whose office is in a different community, adding anonymity and privacy to your experience (as well as affording you built-in time to prepare for and reflect on your sessions during the commute)? This is a personal choice. Take time to assess your needs. Whatever scenario you choose, make sure you feel comfortable in your therapist’s office.

Training: There are many different disciplines of therapy, and one discipline isn’t inherently better or more effective than another. Psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, professional counselors, and marriage and family therapists can all practice competent therapy, so don’t focus too much on the letters (which will indicate academic degree and license) that appear after a therapist’s name.  Rapport, skills and experience are more important. There are some exceptions, of course, and your particular needs will help direct the type of therapist you should see. For example, if you require a psychological evaluation to assess for ADHD or mental illness, you will need to see either a psychologist or a psychiatrist. If you need psychotropic medication, only psychiatrists (and other medical doctors) can prescribe. If you are involved in a court case and want to submit formal documentation before a judge, then it’s important to choose a therapist at the doctorate level.  Ask a therapist before scheduling a first appointment if he/she is qualified to address your particular issue.  In regards to the nitty gritty of therapy. It’s experience and skill that counts in how people talk to one another.  How someone writes a paper or prepares for court testimony is a different skill set.

Licensure: It is important that your therapist is licensed in his/her discipline. Seeing a licensed therapist guarantees you that his/her training and experience have met the state’s criteria for competent practice, and that he/she has passed a comprehensive and rigorous licensure exam.

Your Part of the Equation: Finally, don’t forget that you have a crucial role in the success of your therapy. Choosing a good therapist is important. What you do with that therapist is just as important. Therapy is not passive. Your therapist can be the most helpful to you when you are motivated to learn, dedicated to your growth, and trusting of the therapeutic process. Clients who work hard at helping themselves have the best outcomes in therapy.

Anne Aja, Ed.D.

Depression

When depression hits, a cloud moves in.  Depression steals the light.  Through the gray filter of depression, even activities and people who were once before a source of pleasure now feel irritating and overwhelming. Nothing brings joy.  Everything’s an ordeal.

If you are one of the estimated 20.9 million people who are suffering from some form depression in a given year, it’s vitally important for you to realize you do not have to feel this way.  Depression is a treatable condition.  There really is a path to a life that is again filled with vitality and moments of joy.  Psychotherapy can do a lot to help you understand your depression, while helping you find your way out of the darkness.

A sad fact about depression is that many people suffer from it without knowing they have a condition with a name and a remedy.  Some forms of depression come on suddenly, but other forms creep up gradually over the years, so that it begins to seem like “just the way things are.”   However, those nagging feelings of emotional numbness and weariness, disconnection from others, negative thoughts about one’s self and a pessimistic outlook on life may well be symptoms of depression.

Escaping from under depression’s cloud is a tricky business because many of the symptoms of depression actually make depression more entrenched.  Sleep patterns often get disturbed when a person is depressed, yet restful sleep is vital for mental and emotional well-being.  Appetite is often affected, yet nutritious food is important for healing; and wrong foods can make mood swings worse.  Mental brooding is a hallmark symptom of depression, yet this merely strengthens depressive patterns of thought.  Support from friends and family can go a long way towards lifting the cloud, but with depression, you withdraw. You may know you should exercise, but it can feel like moving a mountain just to get out of bed, much less get to the gym.

Taking the step to begin therapy with a therapist you are comfortable with can be an important turning point.  Many people find that even just that first act of seeking out a therapist helps them feel proactive again. There can be a sense of re-connecting with life.  In a safe, non-judgmental environment, you can put your feelings and thoughts into words and talk through your inner and outer conflicts.  This, in itself, can feel liberating, cleansing, empowering.

Many therapists practice a form of psychotherapy called cognitive-behavioral.   Our thoughts (or, cognitions) go a long way in influencing our moods.  So often, our thoughts are made up of automatic habits of self-criticisms and pessimistic views of ourselves.  Our own “inner critic” can be relentless.   Cognitive therapy helps us tune into, and observe, the thoughts we are “feeding” ourselves. We get some perspective. We come to appreciate that thoughts are only things, and not necessarily facts. We can challenge irrational thoughts. We can tune out the “static” and tune in to the positive. We can practice being kinder and gentler with ourselves and learn to “talk” to ourselves as we would a good friend.

The behavioral part of therapy focuses on those things we may be doing that contribute to our feeling bad; most importantly, it helps us learn what things we can do to feel better. Nobody likes to feel bad, but it’s all too easy to pick up – along the road of growing up – some coping mechanisms that don’t serve us well in the long run. Therapy helps us shift into healthier coping skills.

To help calm and soothe anxious emotions, therapy may help you learn relaxation skills such as grounding and centering, or the use of mindfulness as a way to be with your experience without judgment. To energize yourself, you may find some needed encouragement to try a new hobby, maybe join an exercise or yoga class, or write in a journal.   Therapy can help you learn communication skills or new tools for managing angry feelings and deal with people who may be a source of difficulty.  More peace in your relationships can contribute a lot towards more peace in your life.

Issues about medication can be addressed in therapy and when a chemical imbalance seems present, a therapist can discuss a referral to a medical doctor who can further evaluate you and prescribe medication. Sometimes this is used just for a limited time, helping a person get through an acute period.  Even if you decide to use medication, you will still find it immensely helpful to engage in the work of therapy.

Psychodynamic is another form of therapy you’re likely to see many therapists use. There are times when it’s helpful to explore some of our past experiences – not because we want to blame others or stay stuck in the past – but, rather, to better understand how our past experiences have shaped us. Much of this shaping goes on subconsciously. The insights gained through therapy can be tremendously helpful, as we gain more conscious awareness about what was once “in the shadows.”  Therapy helps us sort out, refine, reorganize and, sometimes, re-interpret the past.  Through therapy we also gain insight into defense mechanisms we may have picked up through past experiences, but which may now be counterproductive to our goals.  Through all this, we gain greater skillfulness for living in the present.

Many therapists also practice what’s known as Positive Psychology, which brings attention to those things that are right with us, rather than focusing solely on what’s wrong.  Human beings are complex creatures with strengths and talents, as well as problems. Researchers point out that each person has “signature strengths”.  When these strengths are used amply in the course of our lives, we feel more alive and energized.  Positive psychology calls for reflection on what values we hold dear and what gives meaning to us. By clarifying our values, we have more freedom to align our behaviors with our values. We gain peace of mind and self-confidence in the way we’re living.

Whether depression comes on suddenly or creeps gradually into life, it is important to know that healing is possible. If, in the process of healing, you gain greater self-knowledge and skills for living, you may even find that life becomes enriched in important ways.  Indeed, there may well be bright colors of a rainbow waiting for you on the other side of the darkest clouds.

Some resources for further reading on Depression are:

Depression 101 by John D. Preston and Melissa Kirk

The Mindful Way through Depression by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn  (this book comes with a CD of guided mindfulness exercises)

Undoing Depression by Richard O’Connor

You can also refer to the Resource section of this website for more titles.

Judy Figura, LCSW

Grieving the Break-up

A break-up is like a death.  It requires a grieving process.  That process is more painful if you are the one being left.

When someone in our lives dies, we are hit with a variety of painful feelings, varying from depression, panic, anger, loss.  Theorists used to think that these feelings progressed in orderly “stages,” the stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance.  Now, however, clinicians think the process is messier than that, with feelings cycling back and forth in no orderly progression.

When mourning the loss of a relationship, it is important to process all the feelings that arise, as when grieving a death, to be able to “work through” and emotionally metabolize the feelings and events.  If we don’t process the feelings, there could be consequences: depression, anxiety, numbness, physical symptoms, insomnia, and lack of insight and the ability to “learn” from the relationship.

Generally the grieving process hits us like ocean waves.  A wave of grief comes in, washes over us, then recedes.  When the wave goes out, we get a break naturally.  If the wave is in too long and we feel like we’re drowning, we can push it out by taking the break ourselves.  We can insert self-soothing activities such as exercise, social support, music, relaxation tapes, hobbies, getting out.

It’s important to avoid any maladaptive behaviors that could worsen our situation: alcohol and drug abuse, emotional and/or physical abuse, stalking, threats, etc.  All of these behaviors are self-defeating for the griever and can make the situation worse.

It is also valuable to learn from the break-up so that we can become what Hemingway called “Stronger in the broken places.”  We can analyze any maladaptive patterns we brought into the relationship, whether we are picking certain “types” that may be self-defeating for us (substance abusers, philanderers, dependents), whether our past baggage from prior relationships contaminated the present.  Therapy can be helpful developing these insights to prevent repetitions in future relationships. (Even though we swear we will never be in another relationship again after the break-up.)

The grieving process eventually abates in frequency, duration, and intensity with the passage of time. (Socrates—“Time heals all wounds.”)  Therapy can facilitate the processing and insight.  So that some form of resolution can be achieved.  So that you can swim with the waves vs. against them.

Kay Allen LPC

GUIDELINES FOR EVALUATING A MATE OR RELATIONSHIP

A singles group once asked me to give a talk on how to know if a potential partner is a good one.  I developed this list with the help of Clarrisa Pinkolas Estes’ book “How To Love A Woman”.

1. In the relationship you feel free to be fully yourself

2. Choose someone as if you are blind

3. Choose someone who has the ability to learn

4.  Choose someone who can be flexible, for example both strong and sensitive

5.  Choose someone who when you hurt them,can feel the pain and are willing to show

the pain.  Also, when they hurt you, they see your pain and feel sorry.

6.  Choose someone who can care for themself as an independent being both emotionally

and physically.

7.  Pick someone who has interests of their own

8.  Pick someone who has similar passions

9.  Choose someone who has similar values and beliefs

10. Choose someone who is compassionate

11. Choose someone who can laugh at themselves

12. Choose someone who is able to overlook and accept faults and idiosyncracies

13. Don’t get involved with someone you have to make excuses for, or expect that you

will change

14.  You are friends as well as lovers

15. Choose someone who makes your life bigger, not smaller

16. Choose someone who gets along with, or has made peace with their parents

Randy Colker, Ph.D.