Marriage Counseling

Marriage counseling, also called couples therapy, is a type of psychotherapy. Marriage counseling helps couples — married or not — recognize and resolve conflicts and improve their relationships. Through marriage counseling, you can make thoughtful decisions about rebuilding your relationship or, in some cases, going your separate ways.

Marriage counseling is usually provided by licensed therapists known as marriage and family therapists or clinical social workers. These therapists have graduate or postgraduate degrees.

Marriage counseling is often short term. Marriage counseling typically includes both partners, but sometimes one partner chooses to work with a therapist alone. The specific treatment plan depends on the situation

Marriage counseling can help couples in all types of intimate relationships — heterosexual or homosexual, married or not.  Some couples seek marriage counseling to strengthen their bonds and gain a better understanding of each other. Marriage counseling can also help couples who plan to get married. This pre-marriage counseling can help couples achieve a deeper understanding of each other and iron out differences before marriage.

In other cases, couples seek marriage counseling to improve a troubled relationship. You can use marriage counseling to address many specific issues, including:

• Communication problems
• Sexual difficulties
• Conflicts about child rearing or blended families
• Substance abuse
• Financial problems
• Anger
• Infidelity
• Divorce

Marriage counseling may also be helpful in cases of domestic abuse. If violence has escalated to the point that you’re afraid, however, counseling isn’t adequate. Contact the police or a local shelter or crisis center for emergency support.

The only preparation needed for marriage counseling is to find a therapist. You can ask your primary care doctor for a referral to a therapist. Family and friends may give recommendations based on their experiences. Your health insurer, employee assistance program, clergy, or state or local mental health agencies also may offer recommendations.

Marriage counseling typically brings couples or partners together for joint therapy sessions. Working with a therapist, you’ll learn skills to solidify your relationship. These skills may include communicating openly, problem solving together and discussing differences rationally. You’ll analyze both the good and bad parts of your relationship as you pinpoint and better understand the sources of your conflicts.

Talking about your problems with a marriage counselor may not be easy. Sessions may pass in silence as you and your partner seethe over perceived wrongs — or you may bring your fights with you, yelling and arguing during sessions. Both are OK. Your therapist can act as mediator or referee and help you cope with the resulting emotions and turmoil.

If you or your partner is coping with mental illness, substance abuse or other issues, your therapist may work with other health care providers to provide a complete spectrum of treatment.

If your partner refuses to attend marriage counseling sessions, you can go by yourself. It’s more challenging to patch up a relationship when only one partner is willing to go to therapy, but you can still benefit by learning more about your reactions and behavior in the relationship.

Marriage counseling is often short term. You may need only a few sessions to help you weather a crisis — or you may need marriage counseling for several months, particularly if your relationship has greatly deteriorated. The specific treatment plan will depend on the situation. In some cases, marriage counseling helps couples discover that their differences truly are irreconcilable and that it’s best to end the relationship.

Making the decision to go to marriage counseling can be tough. But marriage counseling can help you better cope with a troubled relationship — rather than trying to ignore it or hoping it gets better on its own.

If you would like to schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor, I recommend that you review the bio’s of the clinical staff on this website to assist you in choosing a marriage counselor.  Good Luck!

Anne Aja, Ed.D.

Sexual Sabotage: When People Don’t Allow Themselves to Enjoy Sex

Sex should be one of life’s great joys. But some people, even if sexually active, are unable to experience a real sense of satisfaction.  The joy of lovemaking often gets sidetracked because of deeply held negative beliefs about sex or oneself.  For some, the lack of emotional enjoyment may be accompanied by physical problems such as difficulty becoming aroused, or an inability to reach orgasm.  But even of those who are able to function sexually, many do not enjoy sex.

As a sex therapist I often tell clients that the primary sexual organ is the brain.  What truly determines “good sex” isn’t the rigidity of the erection or the number of orgasms, but rather how a sexual experience is perceived.  Good sex requires empathy, cooperation, maturity and communication.

Sex therapy focuses on resolving the problems that interfere with good sex.  Problems addressed include:  Unresolved anger, sexual guilt, poor self-esteem, sexual trauma and lack of emotional intimacy.

Because the practice of sex therapy is often misunderstood, please be assured that nudity and overt sexual behavior are neither required nor permitted.  There are many important things that can be learned about good sex with your clothes on and your feet on the floor.

Anne Aja, Ed.D
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
AASECT Certified Sex Therapist  and Diplomate in Sex Therapy

To Parents of Teens

 

 Something is different. He/she is not the same. Whether it be the clothing, the typical teenage “attitude,” the “later” that never comes when you ask them to pick up their room, or something darker—withdrawal, angry outbursts, long sleeves that are hiding cuts or scratches, blood shot eyes on a Saturday night, or that “earthy” smell sticking to their clothing and hair that you remember from decades ago. Whether it be the recent plunge in grades, missed school, the new peer group that you would hate to run up against in a dark alley, the older, slicker looking boyfriend (“But I love him”) that you don’t approve of…something has changed.For some parents, therapy comes down to seeking coaching for parenting skills—house rules, consequences, curfews. Many parents struggle with maintaining a “balance” of limits and creating a milieu for open dialogue with their teens. Parents of this generation often want their kids’ material, despite the cringe factor (sex, alcohol, drugs) so they can guide their teens and help them develop coping skills with their peers to “prevent” high risk behaviors. Therapy helps facilitate the balance between safety limits and keeping that open door dialogue. And there is therapy for the darker side—teens spiking depressions, cutting, teens with mood disorders, substance abuse, panic, social anxiety, etc.

Therapy can facilitate a combination of psychological testing (to tease out symptoms, learning disorders, ADHD, etc.,) individual therapy for the teen, family therapy for all concerned, and medication (“if” needed). Therapy can provide guidance to parents regarding how to monitor for binge drinking, weed, how to guide daughters and sons with sexuality issues, how to tell the difference between a clinical depression and typical teenage angst, and how to assist the ADHD adolescent to develop time management and organizational skills.

Individual therapy for teens can help them say “no” to high risk behaviors in their culture and create “boundaries.” A number of concrete boundary skills can soften the emotional blows from bullies. Teens can learn “when” to report bullying, “when” to be assertive, “when” to blow off annoyances, and “how” to know the difference. They can learn how “not” to appear like a “gratifying” victim—one who looks scared, hurt, or angry following peer harassment. Gratifying victims continue to be bullied. And therapy can help teens from “breaking bad”: responding with aggression after being broken down by repeated victimizations.

For the “cutters” and those teens flirting with the other side, therapy can quickly address some maladaptive patterns—a tendency to ignore and block stressors and feelings until they overwhelm and flood the teen, resulting in a desire for quick relief and numbing. Therapy highlights the need to label stressors, to break down feelings into manageable chunks that can be metabolized, and to develop coping skills. Therapy can assist in developing anxiety management, problem solving, assertiveness, and relaxation skills.

Something is different. You may not even know what it is. You can feel it in your gut. You catch glimpses of it on Facebook or in texts as you enter their bedrooms. Something is different. Therapy can help define what that “different” is—whether it be within the norms of adolescent development or something riskier. And therapy can help parents take action to do “something” about that “something.”

Kay Allen LPC

 

 

Adolescents with ADHD and ADD

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mother says, “Show me your agenda with your homework assignments.” Mom does spot checks on the school website to double check her adolescent’s agenda, look for teacher notations regarding missing homework assignments, and to monitor grades.

“What would be the most logical homework assignment to start with,” mother coaches. “It looks like you are losing focus. Why don’t you shoot a few hoops for ten minutes outside. Then come back.”

Working with ADHD/ADD adolescents can involve a variety of treatment strategies: parental coaching, individual and family therapy, psychological testing to confirm diagnoses and to rule out other learning disorders and symptoms, medication, coordination with the school to assist the student with accommodations.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder involve difficulty concentrating and focusing, problems staying on task, poor organizational skills, and poor impulse control and hyperactivity for the “H” in ADHD. These disorders are not oppositional-defiant in origin—though it may appear that your adolescent is being lazy, defiant, and deceitful. ADHD and ADD are brain disorders that involve structural differences in the Executive Functioning part of the brain and chemical differences(dopamine levels). Oppositional-defiant behaviors can grow out of ADHD/ADD when adolescents develop low self esteem related to their difficulties focusing and organizing. ADHD/ADD do not reflect IQ, though grades can be low due to poor organization withwriting down homework, handing in homework, packing a book bag, and sustaining attention in the classroom and while studying. ADHD/ADD does not guarantee job/career failure. A job that is stimulating has variety, and opportunities for multi-tasking can enhance success.

Therapy can assist parents in helping their adolescents break homework and household tasks down into manageable “chunks” that will not overwhelm. “First pick up the dirty clothes in your room and bring them downstairs to me. Now take a trash bag and pick up all the trash on the floor.” Therapy can also assist with organizational and time management skills, the use of calendars and agendas to plot out tests and projects, memory aids, study skills, and finding that annoying alarm clock to get them up in the morning. Therapy can help the hyperactive adolescent with impulse control skills, anger management, and relaxations skills to slow them down so they can “think” before they “react.”

Therapists can help parents confirm that their adolescent truly has ADHD/ADD vs. other disorders to avoid misdiagnosis or over-diagnosis. Therapy can turn what seemed like an “impossible” situation into something more “doable.”

Kay Allen LPC